40mg Vyvanse, Day 7

I think the stress/jitters are getting better gradually. I am very glad I decided to stay on each dose for 2 weeks. I'd have no idea what 40mg was really going to feel like if I was changing again today.

The big question now is: Is it really helping my symptoms? Again, I'm glad I'm not changing after only a week. I think it is helping. I'm finding it easier to stop distracting myself when I'm at a tough spot, which was always my big problem. I'm starting new jobs more easily, and sticking with them more easily. That's a big deal.

My hardest time is when I'm between big tasks. That's when I have to look around at what there is to do and pick the next thing. There are usually a few big things I could tackle, and a whole bunch of small things. I get paralyzed. The small things seem trivial and meaningless. The big things seem like too much of a commitment. Sitting down and doing an analysis of the options is way, way too formal, of course!

The frustration of trying to choose, combined with no clear deadline for doing so, leads me to distract myself. This leads to more frustration when I realize I've ended up getting nothing done.

I was in this situation yesterday, and I pulled through. I picked one thing and just did it, and I got it done. I started to distract myself, but every time I was able to snap out of it relatively quickly. Maybe the meds make it harder to fall into the numb, semi-trance state of self-distraction. They make that prefrontal cortex planning section of my brain keep saying, "Hey! Hey! Stop it! You have something to do!"

I remember thinking before I started the meds that the side-effect of irritability might not be so much due to the meds themselves. Maybe it's just that once you take the meds, you find yourself no longer able to ignore all the crap you've been putting off for so long. That would irritate anyone.

30mg Vyvanse, Day 6

Slept well last two nights. The insomnia is gone, at least at 30mg. No negative side-effects at all now, that I can observe.

Positive effects? A little harder to say. That clear feeling of constant energy and zero inertia has definitely disappeared along with the insomnia. That's good - it was disconcerting and abnormal - but it makes it a little more difficult to discern whether anything is happening at all.

I think I'm having an easier time starting and continuing difficult tasks. There is still that feeling of dread when contemplating longer periods of hard work. I can't expect all of my bad habits to disappear in 6 days, though. I will likely only feel more positive facing tough challenges when I've pushed through a few of them successfully. My dread is only natural; these kinds of tasks have consistently ended with me being disappointed and angry with myself for how I have handled them. I have to recalibrate my dread-meter.